Easter and beyond

Happy May!

May came in with sunshine and cloud, wind, and a little bit of warmth.  Enough wind and sunshine to do laundry, enough warmth to sit outside at the Big Dipper and savor our first ice cream cones of spring, and enough cloud to make lovely dappled shadows across the valley.

As you may have noticed, gentle reader, my Facebook hiatus is over.  It has been good to catch up with the Facebook world, particularly when it comes to pictures of babies and yard projects and friends who are far away, but so much of what is there seems trivial--more obviously so than before.  Not that trivialities are negative, but I am finding that they are not necessarily worth turning on my computer for on the weekend or in the evening.  I feel that I have more control over my Facebook usage, which was one of the results for which I was hoping.  Success!  I hope it lasts.

I also successfully spent time each day (mostly in the morning) doing yoga, for the 47 days from Fat Tuesday to Easter.  Unlike my Facebook hiatus, yoga is something I hope to continue to do even though Lent is over.  On Easter Sunday, we went to the early service at 8:00, so I chose to do yoga after church.  Last Saturday and Sunday were the first truly golden-green-and-blue days we've had all spring, so I took advantage of the warmth and sunshine to do yoga in the backyard, which was glorious.  It was good to feel the unevenness of the earth beneath my mat, to hold up my arms to the sunshine, to have blue sky dazzle my eyes when I opened them after meditating.  Insha'allah there will be more bluebird days and more outside yoga this spring and summer.

There are many things I've been pondering lately--Earth Day and earth care, use of non-renewable resources and the life changes that would make a difference, natural history lessons and experiences, work challenges--but I think I will save them for another post.  I have more to say than I have time to write at the moment.

Instead, a brief listing of recent delights:

shooting stars & douglasia & phlox & yellowbells on Waterworks Hill

the first uncurling of the first tulip bud in our yard

buds swelling on blueberry bushes and kiwi vines, cherry tree and maples
holding a wild saw-whet owl in my hands in the hours just after midnight
the perfectly level line of snow on the mountains
buttercups. blue-eyed Marys. desert parsley.  biscuitroot.
a flock of cedar waxwings trilling to each other in an ancient cottonwood tree
rows and rows and rows of glorious garlic

the promise of onions and broccoli, cabbage and kale, carrots and beets, tomatoes and cucumbers . . .

growing baby chicks
cuddly kitties
the fun of new recipes
eating bounty from last year: garlic and rhubarb and cherries and tomatoes
a new appreciation for sunshine
new life exploding around me despite a cloudy, cool, and rainy spring

April . . . showers?

I'm sitting cross-legged on the living room floor, with my computer on the coffee table, listening to Seth Martin & the Menders and smelling the delectable wafting scent of the double chocolate layer cake that I'm baking for two of my co-workers' birthdays, which happen to be only a day apart.  I may have to exercise some particularly deliberate self-control to keep from sampling this cake before tomorrow . . .

I don't know about the rest of the country, but Missoula has had a particularly grey and chilly spring.  I know that warm weather will come, but I am ready for it NOW.  To be perfectly honest, I don't mind the chilly weather so much as the grey.  It is sunshine that I am craving, so when I woke up this morning to a clear blue sky and dazzling sunshine, I was thrilled.  Of course, by mid-afternoon the clouds had blown back in, along with some whirling snow flakes, making my bike ride home rather brisk, but the sun did have a final say this evening, and argued quite convincingly for the beauty of both snow/rain (look close; you can see the precipitation!) and sunshine:

Two weeks ago we woke up to this:

One week ago we hiked on the north side of Mt. Jumbo, looking for wildflowers.  We found numerous patches of snow:

And--success!  Buttercups!  Of course, buttercups usually arrive in March, and by April there should be yellowbells and bluebells and blue-eyed Marys . . . but this year, thus far, we are content with these bright little harbingers of spring.

This past Saturday, we got wind and rain and sun all mixed together, making for a wild and beautiful wedding ceremony for my friends Ann and Nathan.  I have no pictures of the ceremony, but here's the nearby sky and landscape just a few minutes before the wedding:

And then another glorious mix of rain and wind and sunshine and snow this evening:

I'm so grateful for these moments of sunshine--looking at my pictures, I realize they have been present this spring, but I am looking forward to full days of sunshine.  Yet these moments when the sun radiates through, in long golden shafts of light between earth and clouds, bring me hope and remind me of the beauty in all types of weather on all types of days.

Before the wedding last Saturday, I spent the morning with a group of volunteers, clipping the seed pods off invasive species in a local natural area.  It was overcast and grey, and had I been home I would have been lamenting yet another dark day, but being outside, smelling the freshness of the earth and the creek and hearing the singing of dozens of birds (and realizing, once again, that I have a long ways to go along the path of bird identification)--I was just so very content to be outside and part of all that life and springtime energy.  Note to self:  spend more time outside on grey days!

Since this is a bit of a rambly post, I'm also going to mention something interesting I've noticed lately in my yoga practice.  In just the past week or so, I've found myself processing noisy thoughts and strong feelings during yoga.  Whatever I might be worrying about at the moment becomes more present and persistent when I begin my yoga poses, and this forces me to notice that worry, to really look at it, and then, as I breathe in and out, go from forward bends to bridge to upward dog, to work through it.  And, no matter what the issue, whether work or friends or politics, I come to a more peaceful place by the time I begin my meditation.  Perhaps it's not a place of complete peacefulness, but I always feel as though I've  reached some sort of resolution, an inner quiet space.  Inhale.  Pause.  Exhale.

Six days till Facebook!

Fourth Week of Lent: Reflections

Four weeks ago today was Fat Tuesday.  I am working my way through Lent--just a few more weeks. This time has gone quickly; 40 days isn’t really that long, not in our busy world of work and friends and house projects.

I have . . .

• done yoga every day for the past 28 days (!). 
• not been on Facebook in 28 days (!). 
• made attempts to pray to the divine feminine. 
• tried to eat a little more healthily--I’ve certainly enjoyed several delectable mango lassis, and I’ve tried to cut back on things like salt and chips and crackers and ice cream and alcohol.  I have not made a complete change in this area, but I’ve made a few small differences. 
• kept up with my blog--remarkably well, wouldn't you say? It helps that I’m not spending time on Facebook. It helps that my blog is suddenly my only online connection to the wider world (save email, that is). I’m spending less time online, though, since it doesn’t seem worth booting up my computer just to see if someone has commented on my blog.
• had more time for other types of connections--or perhaps I’ve just made more time for such connections. I've spent some good time with friends (taking walks, eating good food, playing games), writing to friends, talking to friends.  
• knitted three pairs of fingerless gloves/wrist warmers. 
• spent several days a week writing and sketching in my nature journal. 
• done a LOT of crosswords from the little Christmas book from Becky. 
• spent a little more time housecleaning and doing yard work. 
• spent a little more time cooking and baking.
• spent a little less time watching movies (I’ve done pretty well at sticking to one/week, except while I was working on the knitting projects. Movies and knitting just go so well together!).

Further observations:
1) When doing yoga, I'm amazed at how quickly an hour passes. I tell myself I’ll just do half an hour or so of yoga—not force myself to do more—and then find that an hour has passed and I need to get ready to go to work. That’s been an enjoyable surprise!

2) How difficult some of the poses are! I’m used to Yoga for Your Life—most of the poses are quite simple, ones I’ve done before, and I don’t find them too strenuous. They’re good stretches, good poses, but wholly doable. But some of the ones in my Yoga for Women book are kicking my butt! Bow pose—“hold for 1-2 minutes”—HA! There’s no way I could do that right off the bat! But I’m giving myself the time to practice it, to understand it, and bit by bit I’m getting better.

3) Some days the meditation bit is incredibly easy. I settle in, focus on the breathing, and snap! Seven minutes is up. I like those days.

4) Some days the meditation is tough. I guess that’s not a complete surprise, but it did surprise me when it got tough again after a few of the easy days.

5) I've really enjoyed the Sa Ta Na Ma meditation, so I decided to try one of the others, the women power one. I found it more difficult and unsettling than I had expected to pray to and honor the divine feminine spirit . . . my conservative Christian upbringing is definitely still influencing me. I want to try it again, though—perhaps it will be easier. Perhaps I will learn something unexpected.

6) I love the energizing workout from Yoga for Women! Chanting "Har" while doing the poses felt a little strange at first, but as I worked my way through the poses, it felt increasingly natural, and I felt amazingly energized by the end of the series.

7) I have a lot to learn.

8) My kitties like to “help” me with yoga. I may have to get Greg to take a picture I can post, because it's pretty darned cute, if not entirely helpful.

9) I don’t really miss Facebook that much. Hmm . . .

10) Making one or two changes in my life has a domino effect—it’s making it easier to make other changes.

11) Making changes is still hard. Some days I just want to don my pajamas and curl up with a movie . . . and eat salty food. Not that this is completely bad. But old habits are hard to break.

12) I have felt more motivated to bake. I’m not sure exactly why, but it does feel (and taste!) good.

13) Without FB, I’m finding other ways to be mindless. I’ve been diving into this little book of crosswords, which isn’t all bad, but sometimes I feel like I’m just using it as an escape.

14) I find myself more conscious of my posture. I am trying to stand and sit with a straight spine, shoulders back, chin tucked down—all the things I have to keep in mind when doing yoga poses.

15) I’m getting more flexible and aware of my body.

16) I like doing spine warm-ups. AHHHH.

17) I love the kneeling sun salutation sequence. LOVE it.

18) I’ve been a little more content in my work. I don’t know if this has to do with yoga and my other spiritual practices, but it’s something I’ve noticed lately.

19) I notice the state of cleanliness of the carpet more when I’m doing yoga on it every day.  (e.g., "I just vacuumed!  How can there be THAT MUCH cat hair in just three days?!")

20) I feel more motivated in the mornings to get things done. It’s harder for me to do housework, etc., after work, but in the mornings I whip through it efficiently.

21) I wish I were more of a morning person. Could I become one? I certainly have been getting enough sleep lately. Why is it that I find it so very difficult to get up before 7am?

22)  I'm glad that I'm doing all this.  No regrets.

I could probably go on, but I'll spare you.  This past month has been an interesting learning experience, and I feel more balanced, more aware of my body and my emotions, more aware of what I need--and what others need, too.

It was a sunny, blustery April day today.  Blue sky, whirling wind, piles of gorgeous clouds, and radiant sunlight--beautiful.  Spring is coming, bit by bit, and I am grateful.  And now, some wind-down time before bed.  I'll leave you with an image from another blustery day, this past Saturday, when Greg and I walked with our friend Jen and her son Isaiah up Waterworks Hill: glorious.

Spring, Sprang, Sprung!

Perhaps it is too early to declare that spring has come, but I can definitively say that the day I have been waiting for has arrived, and it was yesterday.  Sunny, 55 degrees, with the freshest air and smells all around, earth and grass warming in the sunshine, playful breezes, spring saying "I am here!"  I know it'll probably get cold again, and we'll probably get more snow, and that's absolutely fine.  The herald of spring blew her horn, and that was what I was waiting for.

Ah.

As the days roll by, I am increasingly grateful to have made my commitment to the spiritual practices I mentioned in the previous post.  Already they are making a difference.  I have spent so much less time on the computer than usual.  I didn't even turn it on this past weekend--and I know that part of that was due to the gorgeous weather, but part of it was me simply not feeling the need to be online.  And not being on Facebook hasn't been too difficult (yet), despite the fact that my good friend Amy just had a baby boy yesterday (!!!!!!!) and, though he is as yet unnamed, I am sure there are pictures on FB already . . . (Must. Stay. Strong.)

One other change I made last week was to my work schedule, going to work at 10 instead of 9, and using that entire extra hour to do yoga.  I have never done an hour of yoga every day, and it has given me so much more time to try new things . . . or not.  There are some poses that I simply cannot do.  Yet.  And then there are some that I cannot hold for 10 seconds, much less 2 minutes--camel pose, for instance (it's not as easy as it looks!):  

I am interested in seeing how I improve as the weeks pass.  And oh, is there room for improvement.

Making these changes, I feel free.  How to explain this?  I am proud of myself for holding to my practices these past few days.  I know I have five weeks to go, but I have increasing faith that I will be able to continue along this path I have chosen.  I am amazed at how the different practices are fitting together so well.  My resolve to take a hiatus from Facebook is helping me to minimize the rest of my online time.  My morning yoga is both energizing and calming, and I find myself craving healthier foods, other forms of exercise, and more time outside. And praying to Mother God encompasses it all; it is freeing and calming and energizing and humbling.  It feels like coming home.

What I love the most is that for these past few days I have felt that I am living the life I've been wanting to live for a long time.  It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, in a cycle of work, come home, kick back with a movie or some mindless online time, go to bed, repeat.  And perhaps there's nothing terribly wrong with that, except that it just didn't feel like enough.  I am blessed, right now, with a good deal of free time.  Most people my age have kids and the mountain of responsibility that comes with that.  Greg and I don't have kids (yet), and I want my time to be spent more meaningfully.  These are all small steps in that direction.

I'll sign off with an absolutely scintillating recipe that I have been savoring this past week.  I found it in my Yoga for Women book, and if you want something refreshing and divinely delicious, this is for you:

Mango Lassi

*1 very ripe mango, peeled and cubed (I find it easiest to peel it, then just cut off slices/chunks straight into the blender . . . and lick my fingers afterward!)
*1 cup plain yogurt
*1 tablespoon honey or pure maple syrup
*small handful of ice cubes or 1/3 cup of cold water

Combine in blender.  Pour into glasses (makes about 2 servings).  Drink . . . and know that this is evidence that God loves us.  MMM.

Blessings to you all, friends.

Spiritual Practices

Today is Mardi Gras.  Fat Tuesday.  The day before Ash Wednesday, which means we are about to enter the liturgical season of Lent.

Did you know that the word Lent means “spring”?  It is derived from the Germanic languages, for instance, from the Old English lęncten, which roughly translates into “lengthen,” as lengthening days are characteristic of spring (and boy, oh boy, am I so grateful for each minute more of daylight we get as we move towards the summer solstice!). It is only in modern English that the word has come to have ecclesiastical meaning as well. Both senses of the word, however, have to do with seasons, seasons that begin in cold, dark places, slowly working their way towards warmth and light, culminating in an abundance of new life.

I find it more than just coincidence that this year Lent is beginning at a time when I am ready to make some changes in my life.  Nothing huge, but I have been struggling lately to figure out my place, my vocation, what I am meant to do in this world.  Certain things have been coming into focus for me, at least in some small ways, but there remains so much that is out of focus.

This morning I did a few minutes of yoga for the first time in months.  I love doing yoga, and I've missed it.  I ended with some deep breathing meditation, which I've never done before, and, as I went through the Sa TA Na Ma mantra (Totality, Creation, Dissolution, and Regeneration), I came to the realization that I wanted to commit to some spiritual practices for this year's Lenten season.  I hope that this process helps more things to come into focus for me.

By the time I finished my yoga this morning, I had a vision of the spiritual practices that I want to commit to these next 40 days.  Here they are:

1)  A hiatus from Facebook (yes, I'm keeping the meat, not that I eat much of it anyway, and giving up FB.  Such are the times we live in).
2)  Daily yoga and meditation/prayer.
3)  Working to eat more healthily and holistically, and allowing that to be a gradual process.
4)  Addressing God in the feminine, e.g., Mother God.
5)  Journaling/blogging throughout this process.

I admit that this is a bit of an unusual list.  Let me share my reasoning behind these choices.

#1 & #5.  I realized that I have been spending too much time lately in front of digital media.  At work, I'm in front of a computer for 6 hours, and there's not much I can do about that.  But I've also been spending what I feel is an unhealthy amount of time in front of screens in my non-working hours, whether that be watching movies (we have a TV, yes, but it's an old analog one without an adapter; the only reason we have it is so we can watch movies on it), checking Facebook, or checking email.  And when I look at how I spend my non-work computer time, FB is the biggest time suck.  I need a break from the FB vortex, and I think it will be good for me.  I'll work to minimize my email and other online time, though I do want to continue to post here.  I've felt empowered by the blogging medium these past few weeks, and I want to share my process in these spiritual practices: it will help to keep me accountable.  Journaling and/or blogging throughout the process will also, I hope, help me to see how I shift and change: how my spiritual practices make a difference.

#2.  As I mentioned before, I love doing yoga.  It is empowering, healing, balancing, life-giving, calming.  When I take the time to do it every morning I am more happy and peaceful (not to mention more flexible).  I have two books that I use, Yoga for Your Life, by Margaret D. and Martin G. Pierce, and Yoga for Women, by Shakta Kaur Khalsa.  Along with the yoga comes meditation, of which I have not done much, at least in a disciplined way, and prayer, with which I do have a fair bit of experience.  I have a feeling that the prayer and meditation, with practice, will pop up in other parts of my days as well.  Recently I have begun taking a 10-15 minute walk in the afternoon, after lunch, as a break from my computer screen and a breath of fresh air, and when I slow down enough and truly look at the world around me, the river and sky and mountains, a deep quiet and peace settles in.  I need more of that in my life.

#3.  Pretty straightforward, I imagine.  My yoga books have some lovely suggestions for healthful eating and living, and of course there's always common sense.  I'm trying to give myself some slack on this one; this is not something I'll force myself to change all at once, but gradually as the days and weeks go by.  I want to be realistic, after all.

#4.  The final (and, I think, best) essay I wrote for my thesis explored the feminine side of God.  It seems monumentally unjust that Christians have spent millennia seeing God as male, when really God is both male and female, or perhaps neither--but either way, God encompasses both feminine and masculine qualities, yet we constantly refer to God as He/Father/Him/Lord, etc.  (I will attempt to refrain, at this point, from going into my thoughts on how this created the patriarchal hierarchy that causes so many imbalances and injustices in this world . . . ) So, to balance out my thinking of God as male for nearly the past three decades, I'm going to spend these weeks, and probably more, referring to God as female.  Not that this changes who God is . . . but perhaps I will learn to understand Her better.

As I look over this list, I realize that the core of these spiritual practices is balance.  I am taking a break from something in my life that has been given too much space.  I am putting into my life something that will slow me down and give me time to reflect and to BE in the midst of the busyness.  I am acknowledging femininity in what is still a predominantly masculine culture.  I am taking time to let God speak instead of me doing all the speaking.  I am addressing not only my spirit, but my mind, heart, and body, all of me, together.

I am interested to see where this takes me.  And I am grateful to my dear Greg, who said to me this evening (when I asked him if he thought I was crazy to do this):  "Allison, trying to make all these changes for 40 days is a very difficult thing.  But to make these changes just for tomorrow, just for Wednesday, is easy.  And then you can do the same for Thursday.  One day at a time."

As Anne Lamott's father put it, "Take it bird by bird."

I can do that.

And now, to bed.